• travel around the whole wide world
• find love
• breathe
• make art that resonates
• take photographs
• teach
• write
• learn how to, and then cook good food!
• work in an art magazine company and write and travel and hang out with famous people
• set up a bar
• make a movie
• fly in a plane
• fly on a hang-glider
• fly a really big awesome lovely kite

 
- what i wrote in new zealand // things i tend to forget


        &  build a castle on the edge of a cliff

the days got better, mostly because i'm finally sitting down for long periods of time and getting work done. working on my essay exercises feels like chipping at stone, it requires so much focus and i'm so slow, but strangely enough it's not too painful (yet). this time round i'm reading a collection of essays by orwell, and it feels like i'm making friends with him or something. it's a little bizarre, and i'm actually having fun, or as much fun as one could possibly have, at writing, and i guess that's a start.

this weekend i spent so much time just working, it feels so weird when people ask me, how was my day, and i can only reply with a word: homework. how do i convey the strange sense of satisfaction that i feel at getting something done, getting something done to my liking? but mom says, it's okay to have normal weekends too, so yes, i'm having a normal weekend and that's fine.

last week we worked with the chop saws for the first time. i was fucking terrified. the high-pitched buzzing sound fills the room and it feels like my ear drums are getting spliced in half as i watch the blade cut through the wood. i was terrified at first, and i thought i was going to have to like, coerce someone into doing my woodworking assignment for me because it's just too damn scary but i think i've gotten over it now. i'll never get used to it, i don't think i'll ever get used to sculpture and the intensity of crit it involves, but i think i'll be able to get through the class at least.

this may be why i may never be a good artist. i'm nowhere smart nor bold enough to put my thoughts on the line because i'm just too scared to be shot down. but this is what college is for, i suppose. four years to grow a skin. i could do that. it's just difficult, but hey, maybe i could do that. last night i wrote a crit of a solo exhibition i've recently been to, and it clarified how i felt about my own work because the dude's work runs along the same veins as my own. so i think i have a direction now, and all i have to do is work towards it.

so this week hasn't been all that great.

thursday:
hung out with sarah again, for the second time in ages since we said thursday would be our day. that was hilarious because things kept cropping up but we finally did! bought a pair of 40$ boots that i hope will last me through winter and rain because people have been telling me that there are more effective ways of shopping than just buying the first (expensive) thing that comes to mind. this had better not backfire... they're quite lovely. and we went to a diner where they whipped up a coffee milkshake for me even though it was off the menu, because i really wanted one. they put coffee with vanilla ice cream! it was lovely. i'm glad i asked. (: we're going to colour our hair this thursday. finally, no more wimpy green hair, i'm going for the real thing now.

came back and killed myself over essay writing. you would think that a sane person would get work done first, then shop, but i don't know. i'm not very sane ):

friday:
went for the appointment with my writing teacher, for which i killed myself over essay. in a very sophisticated way, she told me my essay was crap. i totally sympathised. total rewrite involved a lot of mornings in starbucks for the next few days, the only place i could get any essaying work done. it requires too much focus, i can't do it very well. pain. :|

went to the post office for the first time to mail a package to family. a hole in the wallet and a lot of fun with tape and paper. there are so many pockets of time that i lost just because i have become so good at dallying around. why???? also, coffee is no longer giving me the instant wake-up. here i am, mid-morning, typing, drinking coffee, still lethargic. i don't know what i can do to fix this and i'm starting to get scared. getting scared means getting stressed, not helping anything at all.

saturday:
got an itsy bit of work done in starbucks in the morning. then everything went to hell. looked for rice paper for sculpture class, fucking expensive i'm not going to spend 100$+ on a sculpture assignment, argh how? ;_; and a book for essay class. wandered into comic store, it began to rain. etc. it was a terrible day and i got no work done thereafter and someone slammed a door at me, dorm politics are like 10-year-old fights, i hate how this demeans me, but i am working on being a better person. it's all pretty hilarious though! so i realized i can't work in the hallway, and that when i'm getting all emo about boi there is no way my mind can stay on the page. sigh. i need to put up a sign on the room to remind myself not to be such a retard.

so my roommate rosie was teaching my floormate azzure how to put on a condom in the hallway as i was working. she borrowed my banana to do it. it was weird. but i guess it was educational. -.- i'm quite traumatised right now, though. i think sex scares me. maybe i really am just ten years old. :|

sunday:
got my period. i knew that was why i was being so cranky on saturday. spent most of the day working as well. this weekend was a lot of work, sadfaces (mine) and general rolling around on the bed in pain. stayed up until 5 doing absolutely nothing, pretending to work. some of my floormates blew condom balloons and made static so they would stick to the ceiling, and brought their comforters and pillows to the hallway. we had a faux-sleepover in the hallway and they were drunk without being drunk. the mornings are the greatest times. what the fuck happened? it was so bizarre, but i guess that's what happens when you put a bowl of condoms in the hallway, and your friend's mother sends her a fuckload of string cheese. i had string cheese for the first time, i think it is the love of my life.

monday:
sculpture class is beginning to terrify me. i'm speaking up less, my head is cloudy, i have no more thoughts. what the fuck?

we began playing assassins in our dorm. it was fucking fun. i killed five people in two days and then someone sabotaged me and now i am dead. some dorm drama went on and that was hilariously stupid, but i guess it makes life interesting in a really sardonic way. it would have been nice to last till sunday, the idea of immortality, of becoming a god, i can see why people get drunk on it. the sign outside: kill a man, and you are an assassin. kill millions of men, and you are a conqueror. kill everyone, and you are a god. i wasn't playing for the prize, i was playing for that promise. i am so strange, i am in love with ideas.

tuesday:
for drawing class we went gallery-hopping in chelsea. some of them were so atrociously curated that i think i would be capable of tearing them down in writing. i might do that tonight, well i guess i'd have to, it's an assignment. i'm not in a nice mood. sometimes i think that in order to be an artist you have to be painfully imperfect, painfully human, to have strong emotions about everything. you can't just try to be nice, you have to have charged opinions. not to shock or awe, but to gain respect. i'm not sure if that's what i want to do, or can do. and if i do that, am i not just faking it? bobby, my classmate, says that i am astute when i am grumpy - no, maybe not. i think it is simply that when i am grumpy, i am honest. does this mean that all my trying to be nice to everything all the time is just faking it?

you'd think that after nineteen years i'd have grown a thicker skin, but still i think that if i am nice other people will be nice back, about my art. it's nothing personal, but still. it's so hard to separate the idea of someone critiquing your thoughts, and someone criticising you. huh. GET OVER IT MISH! lol.

anyway, i'm really glad we went gallery hopping because i was supposed to do that since i got here but never got around to it. i should try to go once every two weeks, at least.



so all in all, i aced all my art classes: drawing, sculpture, photography, art & contemporary culture, and got a b+ on writing. that should be good enough, but the imperfection annoys me. it would have been nice to turn in a neat line of As on my transcripts. i know that the mid-terms mean nothing though, and now i'm so fucking scared that i'm burning out before finals even come around. i have always been this obsessed with grades, haven't i? eight months have not separated me from this obsession, and now it's back. i need help. i can't live like this for too long.

got back a handful of grades, As for drawing and sculpture were really sweet but the B/B+ for writing bugs me because i'm not sure if it's something that can be remedied just by putting in more effort. oh well! in other news, i got little tipsy on halloween but it was on good stuff so that's not too bad. visiting upenn was interesting but i guess new york is still more of my kind of thing. thanks rach for putting me and my hilarity up 8DD i'm much better now, i don't know what came over me then. i got lost in the west village when i came back, i still don't know how that happened. i got out of the subway station and the west 8th street sign had disappeared. following my instincts (which are, by the way, always wrong) i picked a road and began walking in circles. around me policemen have blocked off the roads for the parade, and every cab i passed by was occupied. it began drizzling. names of familiar streets, waverly place, christopher street... kept teasing me into thinking i might possibly be getting closer to campus. i refused to take out the nft guide buried in my bag. after a while i got really tired of being the sole person in a jacket and a huge bag amidst a crowd of costumed people, though. it was fascinating at first, getting lost in the city, but after a while i decided i was ready to go home. then i fished my guide out and walked some more. i took a nice shower and watched xmen with katie, lauren and charles after we went out for some pizza. the next day i had brunch with julio, my neighbour, and did some work. i like getting work done because it rarely happens efficiently. :| then we went out for dinner and i bought some chicken wire which ended up useless anyway, so what a waste of money. 

this week julio is in mexico for his sister's wedding and i miss him :| but life goes on! on thursday my floor watched v for vendetta as a post-midterm event (lol i can has no midterms) and on friday tony (another neighbour) and i walked to the east river for a photo shoot for my photo class. we found a lovely pile of leaves. i love fall. (on wednesday night jesse and lizzie and i went walkabout and shooting as well, on the west side, and we kidnapped a lawn chair and that was nice too. it reminds me of the time mag and i were at the beach and found a trolley just sitting there like it was waiting for us.) then lauren&katie&charles&i went to try for the wicked lottery again but we didn't win so we tried for the next to normal lottery and won! we watched that, front row, and it was awesome. now i have a shirt that says "valium is my favourite colour", but i guess you need to have watched it to understand. yesterday i met up with louise, whom i made friends with at orientation and never saw again. we tried to go to max brennar but it was crowded as fuck so we went to a nice dim sum place tucked away in another street, and then to an organic tea cafe/restaurant for dessert. i am so glad we hung out! must make this a more regular thing.

today i did a little shopping and am still debating on whether to spend 100+ on a pair of ed hardy boots. they are knee high, dark green, and are quite elegant for ed hardy (yes i am anticipating some derision) but they won't keep me too warm even though they have a lining of fur inside. if i buy that i'll still have to get some uggs to survive winter. how? :|

good luck to all the juniors taking a levels, it won't be long before it's over <333 & love all of you guys even though i don't talk to you too often... lol@23hr/week schedule. D8

i feel like i'm on the verge of doing something i may regret.

With the lies they told to you
And the least they ever gave you
Was the most you ever knew

And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming?
No one's listening anyway

Your voice is small and fading
And you hide in here unknown
And your mother loves your father
'Cause she's got nowhere to go

And she wonders where these dreams go
'Cause the world got in her way
What's the point in ever trying?
Nothing's changing anyway

They press their lips against you
And you love the lies they say
And I tried so hard to reach you
But you're falling anyway

And you know I see right through you
'Cause the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming?
You're not listening anyway
 

---


my mood fluctuates so much, but i'm not going to be that girl! 

1. this weekend was fantastic.

2. i have a lot of work undone.

3. i'm going to penn for halloween. 

4. i feel myself changing again. 

fuckkkkkkkk  

a quick update before i get to work

1.
this week was much better because i tried not to stay in my dorm too much. hung out with lauren and katie and charles from my hall and they're really nice & fun! we went shopping yesterday and i got myself a bright red plaid jacket, which is like the most colourful jacket i own right now. and we had a writing party before shopping to try to get our essays done, but i didn't make much headway with that. usually i know what to write, i just don't get down to writing it. this time round, i don't even know what to write because i can't solve the problem of the essay. hmm. so i talked to shuey a little bit last night and i am going to try writing again after this. 

2.
last night i slept at 5am because i was reading art notes and also because i fell asleep at 10 and woke up at 1 and i'm afraid i might be unhealthy. i'm also eating fuckloads of sugar, waffles and cupcakes and whatnot. i'm going to try going to the gym next week, if for nothing at least for the rockclimbing, with my classmate lizzie. she goes everyday and when we have waffles she's like, i'm going to the gym later, i can have waffles. and i'm like... you're going to the gym later, i can have waffles. ._. we'll see how that goes.

3.
also went hung out with sarah, whom i went to gay camp (lol) with, on thursday! we went for dinner and shopped and watched history boys :D it was really fun and we want to make this a regular thursday night thing, which would be awzm. i bought leggings and now have like three new pairs of leggings which i shall wear a lot before fall turns into winter. i am wearing skirts on a regular basis! it is fun to dress up, which i do on the weekends because srsly how do these immaculate korean girls turn up for drawing/sculpture class in their nice clothes and not get charcoal/plaster all over them? i possess no such skill. ;_;

4.
watched lotr with fo at radiocity this friday. it was SMASHING. howard shore is this cute man and he was conducting both the gigantic choir and the orchestra at the same time. i was trying for the longest time to figure out where the hammer-and-anvil sound that makes up the uruk hai theme was coming from, and i never found the solo flautist (there was ONE flautist and she was awsm) but fo did. the bathroom queue was epic fail, as always! and at the end the hobbits and one or two random people made a surprise entrance and we gave them all a standing ovation for like a really long time. it was pretty damn fun.   

5.
this weekend rachel will be coming over and there's the big apple comiccon. rachel! want to walk the brooklyn bridge/ ride the staten island ferry/ check out the galleries at chelsea/ go flea-market shopping/ window-shop soho/ kayak at the hudson? i think these are the activities that are more or less free and fun ^^ but bring money deffo! comic con tix are 30+ i think, if you check the site. it's from fri to sun do you want to go! i want posters to stick on my wall. see you thursday <3 


hope everyone at home is doing great, haven't spoken to some of you in a really, really long time! send me mail, i promise to reply :D :D 

1. 

in a desperate attempt to put off essay writing on yesterday, i ventured out! into new york city! to do my drawing homework, which was to visit the new museum (and write about it, but i'm ignoring that part for now). the more remarkable thing about the trip to the museum was actually the journey there. i walked down prince street and found new york city. the old graffitied buildings and street vendor stalls mingled with the spanking sparkly new haute couture boutiques and everything was beautiful, and the streets were sometimes cobblestones, and sometimes not, as if it changed its mind so fickly once in a while. on the way back, i stepped into a bookstore and it was beautiful. it reminded me a little of books actually, at home, and i stole a namecard/bookmark, printed in a similar green to that of book actually's, but in a more victorian taste than the minimalism that book actually prefers. i bought a book and a magazine, and am happy. in the meantime i am also rediscovering my love and ambition for making books, and must put up a sign in my room about all the things i ever planned to do, lest i forget. 

the museum itself was pretty rad. i really dig the industrial aesthetic that they decorate according to: corrugated iron and white painted walls. large spaces, high ceilings, a lot of grey. it's a very "my kinda thing", i guess you would say. the museum i liked, the museum shop was cool too (fo you must visit) and i have decided that museum shops are cool because they have a moral obligation to be awesome. the shows themselves were i guess impressive but not "my kinda thing". since i have to write a fucking essay about them, i won't bother writing about them here. energy conservation, you understand. 


2. 

went to watch the stephen colbert show today with my floormates lauren and katie (who went home before the show started because of the evil that we call cramps ): ). there was a really cute little boy on the show and he was wearing a suit! here i border on paedophilia but i know you love me for who i am. and there was also a really attractive person i was sitting next to. lauren was like, slip him your number! and i was like, give me three more months here and maybe i'll do it. i'm not amerikan enough to do it yet D: oh well. he was really nice looking though. sigh.


i am getting out more, and trying to be less shy! :| people don't think i'm shy because i speak up in class and when they know me i'm totally okay. does this mean that they think i'm dao when i don't speak to them? because i'm shy. and it's so weird to try to tell people that. how do you tell people that? you can't. 

i have been a mess lately but i am much better now. was sick for a couple of days, hardly did anything but lie in bed the whole time. still haven't found any friends who would hang out with me on a regular basis, still all on my own. maybe i'm making it sound worse than it seems, we'll find out...  

1.
so the other day when i was walking across the park to get some lunch, i saw this guy with a cardboard helmet on his head. he was playing the accordion. he was playing the zelda theme song. it made my day.   

2. 
i am totally rocking the hole punches/punchers mom + mdm o + nigel mailed me, though i kinda have one extra now. \o/

3. 
mom also sent over a mooncake. i had a lot of fun going around feeding people :D

4.
photography class is the boringest shit ever.

5. 
too much has been happening, a better update soon when i finally finish writing an imaginary letter for my writing class. hi fo, i'm writing you a letter you will never get. 

1.
the way i spend 10 hours on an essay

2.
having a crush on someone who doesn't know and probably wouldn't care

3.
not being able to concentrate on said essay because of 2.



dfskgjsdfail 

IF YOU GUYS WERE HERE I WOULD BURY MYSELF IN YOUR HUGS AND I'D FEEL BETTER

1.
had my first live drawing class. it was a little strange to see someone take her clothes off in a careless, detached fashion in front of a class full of freshmen. and throughout the session i kept thinking about how drawable her butt was. most people in the class have done this before, so i felt slightly out of place, but i'm just going to concentrate on learning how to do this, rather than my unfamiliarity. working with charcoal is... different. it's not like pen or even watercolour, where my hands are mostly clean. with charcoal it seems like you just have to embrace the fact that you're going to get dirty. it's a refreshing experience. 

2. 
went around shooting random people on the street. my first night and day of doing this was unexpectedly awesome. i asked people if i could take pictures of them, and we start talking. sometimes, i don't. sometimes i just smile my thanks and they understand. i love that. this saturday i will see if i can find the place that the guitarist i met will be playing at. maybe i'll find it, and do some backstage photography, and maybe i won't. but in any case i have gone down roads and tried new things, and i feel that that is beautiful. of course, it isn't always smashing like this. but just once i shot a kid and his mom and she looked alarmed, so i offered to delete that. i get that some people don't want photographs taken of them, because i'm like that too. i'm still immensely happy that no one shouted at me (so far). 

3. 
went for the beginner's swing dance class. it was really fun even though i've been so harsh on my feet for the weeks that i've been here, and so tired after such a long day's classes. i'm so glad i went; there's nothing like dance to get you up and alive again, and now i'm having my dinner and writing this before i saddle up for yet another night of homework. there's so much of this. there's too much of this. thank goodness it's fun (except for the readings, but those get fun later). 

4. 
learnt how to use a sewing machine, in sculpture class. we're doing textiles for this module, and i am cutting up bras to re-assemble them into spiky monsters. i was so self-conscious about drawing my bras and going to the salvation army to pick up old bras, but then i found out that two other people in my sculpture class are doing the same, and then i don't feel so bad. i know in time i'll fit in just fine, but i'm still at my awkward stage. i'm cool with it though. after all, what am i without my cute awkward moments? heh. so anyway, i can't make any clothes yet but i know how to thread the machine, and i am immensely proud of myself. i'm sure the sewing machine i left sitting back home is too. 

5. 
went for a poetry reading, and then coffee, with my hall stream (writing new york). i think we all agreed that it was the most new-yorkish thing we'd done thus far. 

6. 
found out that laws in new york are far stricter than in singapore, in some aspects. did you know that you're not allowed to enter playgrounds once you cross the age of eighteen? they have these bars around the playgrounds to keep you and paedophiles out. and did you know that you're not allowed to purchase knives and spray cans over the counter unless you're above the age of 21? well, yes. new york city; center of the universe. caused me so much grief. 


so i'm alive, and i still haven't found any friends to hang out regularly with yet, but i feel just fine. and i miss you all, as always. 

my eyes slide off the words and i
check the dictionary at every
turn

better yet, 
after an eternity of reading
comes the greater evil;  
writing.  


- loosely translated, reads: i am having difficulty with my art and contemporary culture reader. ._.

we are the past: those people sitting outside drinking are the present; and you are the future. don't fuck it up - we went to prison for you.  

last night i went to nyu portraits, where various people performed readings of famous speeches that changed american history, covering everything from women's rights to the vietnam war to the gay rights movement. today i had international students brunch at the lgbt office, and then we took a west village tour with special focus on lgbt landmarks, and sat in the field by the piers for a bit on this beautiful sunny day. then we went to stonewall inn, the place which is generally recognised as a symbol and spark of the gay liberation movement. veterans of the stonewall incident, martin and danny, spoke to us about their/its history - what it meant to be gay then, how it was difficult to conceptualise the idea of freedoms and rights even though they felt like they were being denied something, and recounted the events during those two nights of rioting. another speaker talked about how the gay movement is living history because it is still changing now, what with prop 8 and asshole politicians trying to revamp history to suit their agenda.
 
even before classes begin, i feel as if i am gaining an education here in nyc.  

send me stuff :D


michelle lim 
79 washington square east 
apt # 0406A
new york, ny 10003


and if you want to call me, press this: 
347 331 1278

and my room phone number is: 
212 443 6435

friends who know me, help!

i need to pick one song to sing and the auditions are slightly more than 24 hrs from now. i don't know what song to sing because they don't specify pop/rock/whut? ): 

i want to join either the choral arts society, women's choir or the madrigal singers: 
http://steinhardt.nyu.edu/music/auditions/choruses/
 
was thinking of maybe seasons of love / kiss from a rose / get me away from here i'm dying but i don't know! DDDDD: